Transformers: Age of Extinction

Transformers: Age of Extinction

Predicted Rating: 1 Star

Directed by: The worst man on the planet. Starring: Red Bull, Bud Light, Oreo, Sprite, Victoria Secret, Beats by Dr. Dre, Samsung, Chevrolet, Bugatti, and Mac Trucks.

So Mark Whalberg finds this truck that turns out to be Optimus Prime and then the government tracks him down, then I don’t know, this movie is fucking stupid, I don’t care about the plot.

It is no secret that I don’t like the other Transformer movies. There is way too much time spent on the stupid human characters and the transformers are just there, there is way too much going on in the fight scenes that it just looks like hunks of metal flying around, the humour appears as if it was written by a 6 year old and they are terribly racist. I am going as far as to say that Transformers 2 is the worst movie ever made. As a result of this I was very reluctant to see this instalment but I thought, hey, there are Dinobots in this film so I will give it a shot. I mean giant transforming dinosaurs, that is pretty bad ass. From when I sat down, so from the start of the previews, to when the dinobots made an appearance was 155 minutes! ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-FIVE FUCKING MINUTES! That is 2 hours and 35 minutes, or 9 300 seconds, or 9300000000000 nanoseconds. In that time, the average person could have sex 22.14 times, I could run 31 kms, play 10.33 games of FIFA, watch 89% of The Godfather, or listen to November Rain 17.22 times. I have never walked out of the cinema before but I was so close to doing it here. This movie is just way too long. I was going to put a time value on how much this movie runs overtime but I think it is just 165 minutes too long.

Just everything about this movie was so stupid. It appeared the person who wrote this had an IQ equivalent to a glass of water. They tried to include intelligent characters such as Mark Whalberg as a whiz bang inventor but he didn’t say anything smart the entire movie. And when the characters tried to say something intelligent it was completely wrong. For example, they found an old dinobot in the Arctic Circle, which of course is made of metal. The lead scientist then mentioned they managed to carbon date it at some date. Ummmm when I last checked you cannot carbon date metal as what you are testing needs to contain carbon. Also, it was a metal that does not exist on earth. There were also so many small things that frustrated the hell out of me. In Michael Bay’s trademark racist moment, one of the autobots was a Japanese Samurai. Something that might be cool but he didn’t even transform into a Japanese car, he became a Bugatti, which is a German car?! They shoved a Chevrolet badge on a Citreon as someone who lives in Rockingham would do to their Commodore. The Irish guy decided to change his accent to Australian, Scottish and American on multiple occasions. Then there was the product placement. Oh god the product placement. I was waiting for the show to come back on because it just felt like a giant advertisement break.

I was trying to think of something that I liked about this film but I really had to scrape the bottom of the barrel. Maybe the fight scenes were slightly easier to watch than in the previous films. The main girl was slightly smarter than Megan Fox and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, but then again, so is a Chimpanzee. That’s all I’ve got. This franchise just infuriates me. I loved the cartoon as a kid. It was always the first thing I went for when choosing a video at the video store. I had so many diecast toys and I swear all I did was play with them. Then Michael Bay just came along and took a huge shit on my childhood. I know I am part of this problem but these movies make so much money so he is just going to keep making them. STOP SEEING THESE MOVIES! As a subscriber of the unlimited parallel universe theory, I just hold onto the hope that there is a parallel universe out there where Transformers is directed by Joss Whedon. That is the universe I want to live in.

Overall:  A huge steaming pile of shit. Minus 155 stars, one for every minute I waited for the dinobots. 

Edge of Tomorrow

Edge of Tomorrow (2014)

Predicted Rating: 2 Stars

Directed by: Doug Liman  Starring: Tom Cruise, Emily Blunt

As part of a PR stunt, Major William Cage (Cruise) is sent to the front line of a ferocious battle between the human race and alien invaders. After getting into an argument with the general, Cage is demoted to private and finds himself way out of his league. After being killed on the battlefield, Cage discovers that he must relive the day over again. Cage seeks the help from Sergeant Rita Vrataski (Blunt), who he discovers also once had the same ability. They must now use the ability to defeat the aliens.

I am going to start this review off by saying I love Tom Cruise as an action hero. He was surprisingly good in Oblivion, Top Gun is an absolute classic and he is a boss in Mission: Impossible. I even loved him as the crazy dude in Eyes Wide Shut. I know this might turn a few people off this review, but hey, deal with it. There are many critics in regards to Tom Cruise, mainly that he is too short to be an action hero and that he is downright bonkers behind the screen. I for one think that you should not judge an actor’s skills based on their off screen antics (as long as said antics are legal), but by what they do on screen. In that way, Tom Cruise is one of my favourite actors.

I am going to throw another curve ball out here and say this is the closest a movie has ever got to being a video game despite the fact it is not based on a video game. It captures the experience of playing the final boss level on a video game. At first it seems impossible and you die almost immediately but as you gather more knowledge you progress through the stage. Finally you can defeat the boss but not after spending many frustrating hours on it. Tom Cruise’s character goes through exactly the same process. I also make this comparison because Edge of Tomorrow reminded me a lot of the Playstation 3 launch title; Resistance Fall of Man. It not only shares a similar setting and plot but similar characters.

Overall: A very edge of your seat, entertaining sci-fi that is a cross between Groundhog Day and the computer game Resistance. 4 Stars

X-Men: Days of Future Past

X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)

Predicted Rating: 4 Stars

Directed by: Brian Singer. Starring: James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Hugh Jackman, Jennifer Lawrence, Peter Dinklage, Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen, Halle Berry, Ellen Paige, Nicholas Hoult

Taking place in the not-to-distance future, DOFP sees the Earth lay in apocalyptic ruin after highly technologically advanced robots called Sentinels have devastated society. Originally designed to kill just mutants, the Sentinels are now targeting anyone who carries the mutant gene. On the brink of extinction, the mutants find out that the Sentinels were commercialized after their creator, Bolivar Trask (Dinklage), was assassinated by Mystique (Lawrence). Wolverine (Jackman) is sent back in time to stop Mystique and save the future of humanity.

Time travel movies are always difficult to make for two reasons; people often get really confused of what is going on and massive nerd fan boys critique everything to try and point out mistakes to make themselves feel better. Brian Singer tries to get around this by essentially saying any major change in past events completely changes the future except for the person who was sent back in time. He also gets around the problem about having two people in the past by sending back a person's conscience rather than their physical form. When you delve deep down into this movie it can be extremely confusing but if you ignore any inevitable technical inaccuracies generally associated with time travel movies, this is ultimately a very entertaining flick. In larger scheme of things however, I only assume this movie exists because Singer was so disappointed with Brett Ratner's The Last Stand that he wants to do the Phoenix Saga over again in his way.

Aside from the time travel, I can see how this film can be extremely confusing for people unfamiliar with the X-Men franchise. There are many reference to previous films and the comics that receive no explanation. Whilst it was very satisfying for me to splurge any information I know on the franchise, it must have been very frustrating for other people. There are many references to the relationship between Wolverine and William Striker. In this film, Striker literally has no lines and just sort of gets dodgy looks from Wolverine so if you were unaware that is was Striker who gave Wolverine his adamantium skeleton, you will be left wondering what the hell is the point of this guy. Even I was left questioning at the end whether now Wolverine has the adamantium. There are also multiple references to First Class that receive no clarification. Finally there is a fleeting joke about Quicksilver being Magneto's son. After this I though, great, they are going to expand on this storyline further. Nope. It is left at a joke, and it is not even very clear anyway.

Overall: Very entertaining for fans of the series but could be confusing for those who are not. I have also discovered the best job in the world, the person who applied J-Law's Mystique make-up. 4 Stars

Godzilla

Godzilla (2014)

Predicted Rating: 4 Stars

Directed by: Gareth Edwards. Starring: Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Ken Wantanabe, Elizabeth Olsen

I would normally write something here about the plot, however whatever I write will not do the movie justice so I will just say Godzilla turns up and fucks some shit up.

I remember back in 1998 how excited I was to see the Roland Emmerich Godzilla film. At the time I was only 9 so what is more exciting that a giant lizard destroying everything? I watched it in the cinema with my grandad and at the time I thought this was the greatest thing since sliced bread. It have everything I wanted, which at the time was essentially just a giant lizard destroying thing. I even though the old Asian man say godzirra was amazing. However, after expanding my cinema knowledge and learning more about the Godzilla universe I realised this movie was a huge steaming pile of shit. This made me a bit cagey about the excitement I gathered for this version.

In hindsight, this reluctance was futile because this movie is next level bonkers! The special effects were amazing and the sound was ear splitting. However, the thing I loved the most about this film was the lack of origin story. In the realm of many Hollywood reboots, it frustrates me to no end that 95% of the first movie is spent retelling the origin story. Then even in the sequel there is way too much time spent introducing the villain. In this film it was essentially here is Godzilla, you all know who the fuck he is so we aren't going to tell the story again, here is more screaming and knocking buildings down.

My only criticism of this film is that it needed one or two more characters to tie the whole thing together. In these disaster style films, often my favourite characters are the unselfish friend and the disgruntled scientist. The unselfish friend is the best friend of the main character who helps out in sticky situations and always does the unselfish thing to help out the main character. I know this film plays on the loneliness factor but I felt like Aaron Taylor Johnson or Elizabeth Olsen needed just someone to talk to in order to engage the audience. The other character is the disgruntled genius who is passionate about science and has the solution to the problem but no one will believe them. This is the Jeff Goldblum character in Independence Day or Charlie Day in Pacific Rim. Brian Cranston tries to fill this void, but contrary to the trailers, does not feature much in the film.

Overall: Next level bonkers 4.5 stars

Bad Neighbours

Bad Neighbours (2104)

Predicted Rating: 3.5 stars

Directed by: Nicholas Stoller. Starring: Seth Rogen, Zac Efron, Rose Byrne and Dave Franco.

Living in a quiet, suburban neighbourhood, the last thing that Mac (Rogen) and Kelly (Byrne) expect to move in next door is a fraternity house. In attempt to recapture their youth, Mac and Kelly attempt to befriend the heads of the frat house, Teddy (Efron) and Pete (Franco). However, with a young child, Mac and Kelly grow increasingly frustrated with the number of late night parties. It then turns into a cat and mouse battle between the two housed to gain neighbourhood superiority.

I thought this film, for the most part, was pretty funny. However, there were one or two times when the jokes step over the line in order to produce what I call "shock and horror" laughs as opposed to being witty and clever. In my opinion there is still a place in movies for dick and fart jokes but you have to be somewhat subtle about them, however subtlety is generally not the American's strong suit. Case in point in this film, there was a scene in the movie where the frat house had to raise funds to repair their house. To do so, they decide to make female sex toys molded from their own penis'. In the context of the film, I thought this was hilarious. There was a funny quip with James Franco using a 3D printer and also the joke that Christopher Mintz-Plasse's character has an abnormally large penis. Funny at the time, but when you mention this fact every five minutes for the rest of the movie it loses it cleverness. It did however remind me during the viewing that I have a peculiar sense of humour because the cinema erupted with laughter during the "shock and horror" laughs and I found myself laughing on my own after a few obscure references were made.

Expanding on me laughing at inappropriate points, I was astounded by the amount of people who either have not watched the trailer or have the memory of a goldfish. I was ready to go on another rant about one of my pet peeves, the best parts of the movie being spoiled in the trailer, when the scene with the airbags was coming up. When Rose Byrne opened the door of her car to discover that her steering wheel had been tampered with, someone behind me went hmfff, as if to say, well that's peculiar, I wonder what is happening. What?! Have you been living under a rock for the past 2 months? I have seen the trailer multiple times at the start of other movies as well as it being plastered over prime time TV. Then, when Seth Rogen sat in the chair with the airbag, literally everyone in the cinema jumped and then erupted in laughter. Wait a minute, I am flabbergasted. Yes I found this funny three months ago when I first saw it but it has lost its charm. Again, another theory of mine that has gone flying out the window.

I thought the breakout star of this film was definitely Zac Efron. He was by far the funniest person in this film. His performance, whilst nowhere near as good, can be compared to Channing Tatum in 21 Jump Street. They were both previously seen as guys who were cast in rom-coms and tween movies purely on the basis of their good looks as eye candy for the female audience. However, both have proven that they can act and can be funny. I would love to see Efron cast in more comedies from here on out.

Overall: Pretty funny but lacks the wit to be classified in the top echelon of comedies. 3 stars

Transcendence

Transcendence (2014)

Predicted Rating: 2 Stars

Directed by: Wally Pfister. Starring: Johnny Depp, Morgan Freeman, and Rebecca Hall.

On the verge of a scientific breakthrough, Dr. WIll Caster (Depp) is gunned down by a group of technophobic terrorists. He survives the initial attack but the bullet was laced with radioactive material so Dr. Caster has just weeks to live. With the help of his wife (Hall), Dr. Caster uploads his subconscious into a computer in a state known as transcendence. There is then a debate whether the computer is actually Caster, who is slowly plotting to change human nature as we know it.

Well this doesn't happen often but I have seen two absolutely terrible movies in a row. First it was Divergent and now Transcendence. I am now hanging out for Godzilla to right the ship! Unfortunately there is always one or two movies each year that are huge financial flops. In 2012 it was John Carter and Battleship and last year it was the Lone Ranger. The difference here is that I actually enjoyed John Carter and The Lone Ranger and I thought that Battleship, whilst being a poorly made film, was insanely fun. These films just did not live up to their +$200 million budgets. Transcendence only has half this budget but I don't think it will make it's money back because it is a bad film that doesn't have a pre-existing popular franchise to prop it up.

The reason why I think I disliked this movie is that it is very, very confusing. I was left scratching my head on multiple occasions. There was one occasion towards the end of the film where one of the characters pulled a gun on someone she had been working with for the entire film for what seemed to be no reason. However, a lot of the characters look exactly the same so I may have got two people mixed up. I was also confused about what Morgan Freeman's role was in the scheme of things. He was just sort of there. It is my opinion he was included in the movie to say they have Morgan Freeman in the movie to get bums on seats. The same thing was done with Samuel L. Jackson in Robocop. A pointless roll just to have another famous name on the poster.

What flabbergasted me the most about this movie was how quickly the huge underground facility was built. As someone who has worked in the real world I know how hard it is to get people to do just medial tasks. Johnny Depp's wife hires just a local builder with only 6 staff to build this massive robotics facility. A task that is seemingly impossible and if it is possible, would take years to complete. In almost an instance, a huge underground facility is constructed as well as what appears to be the worlds largest solar farm. I was both confused and impressed

Overall: Extremely boring and confusing romp that brings nothing to the table. 0.5 stars

  

Divergent

Divergent (2014)

Predicted Rating: 3.5 Stars

Directed by: Neil Burger (A McDonalds commercial). Starring: Shailene Woodley (Not The Amazing Spiderman 2), Jacked-up Macklemore wait I mean Jai Courtney (The shit Die Hard), and Zoe Kravitz (only here because she is someone's daughter).

In the future, after a devastating war, the citizens of Chicago are divided into five factions; Abnegation (selfless, who wear grey), Amity (peaceful, wear orange), Candor (truthful, wear white), Erudite (intelligent), and Dauntless (brave, wear black), based on their personality types. We meet our heroine, Beatrice Prior (Woodley), who is at the point of choosing her faction. Upon completion of the test she is found to be divergent, i.e. she displays the characteristics of several factions. She must then chose a faction whilst keeping her ability a secret.

Oh my god this movie is so fucking stupid. I am not sure if you noticed but this movie is trying to provide the audience with a message. This message is to be who you want to be and not what everyone tells you to be. I don't mid movies having a message but this one is so forced it is like going to a pep rally and have everyone hit you with the signs so much that what they are protesting about is permanently bruised on your chest. In fact I think it would have been much more entertaining if be who you want to be was just written on the screen for 2 hours. As the message is so forced it means that everything that is set up to go against the message is so illogical that it borders on stupidity. What am I talking about borders on stupid, more like this movie is so fucking stupid. Below is a list of all of the completely stupid things included to try and make this movie work.
1. The faction system is ridiculous. You are basically forced to live in one of five places your entire life, you cannot change EVER, you keep the same job your entire life, you aren't aloud to socialise outside your faction, and you are dragged away from your family never to see them again if you chose another faction. If this doesn't scream a rebellious overthrow I don't know what does. The last thing the narrator mentions in the opening monologue is that "the system works". No, no it wouldn't work, stop trying to tell me it does.
2. When the kids are a certain age they undergo a test the determine what faction is suitable for them. Essentially it is a personality test. The test literally lasts for 30 seconds, and I think I am being generous here, so no wonder people test divergent.
3. On this I have no idea why it is a big deal when people are "divergent". Pretty much everyone will display the personality traits of more that one faction. Essentially it says if you are intelligent you can't be brave, nor peaceful, nor truthful, nor selfless.
4. Even when the test spits out an answer, you have an opportunity to chose what faction you want, essentially making the test redundant. It is fairly obvious from the start which faction our main character was going to chose. Dauntless are essentially built up to be the cool people whilst everyone else are just a bunch of nerds. It wouldn't make an interesting movie if she picked Amity. Today your lesson is to learn how to plant potatoes.
5. It casts intelligent people, more importantly scientists, in a terrible light. They are the bad guys of the film and are made out to be jealous, heartless bastards. This frustrated be to no end.
6. I didn't care in the slightest when any of the characters died, they were all terrible people.
7. Finally, it tries oh so hard to be The Hunger Games but fails so badly.

The overarching story for this is the attempt from Erudite to overthrow Abnegation to assume power by manipulating Dauntless. This story is so boring. I don't care what happens because the faction system is so stupid. In no point does anyone question the faction system, they just say that Erudite is being naughty. It would make a much more interesting and logical movie to follow a group of rebels trying to overthrow the system. Some other much more interesting story lines would be to look into why there is a giant wall built around the city. Are they trying to keep something out, or keep people in? Or what caused this apparent apocalypse? Is it worldwide or just isolated to Chicago. So many unanswered questions. Unfortunately there are going to be sequels and even more unfortunately I read the wikipedia pages and they address none of these issues.

Overall: This has cracked my list of five least favourite movies. It is absolutely terrible. Avoid at all costs. It is not even entertainingly bad. It is just boring. 0 Stars