Friday Throwback: Deep Blue Sea

For a new segment, I am going to have a look back at movies that I loved as a kid. However, instead of reviewing them as I remember them, I am going to rewatch them. This will either bring back fond memories or make me reassess my childhood. Either way this is going to be fun!

Deep Blue Sea (1999)

Directed by: Renny Harlin. Starring: Thomas Jane, Saffron Burrows, Samuel L. Jackson, LL Cool J, and Stellan Skarsgard.

The first movie I am reviewing in this series is Deep Blue Sea. This was probably my favourite movie as a teenager. I mean what more was there to love than massive sharks ripping people to shreds. I realised that my teen years were significantly influenced by fictional characters named Carter. I wanted to be a doctor as a result of Dr. Carter on ER. Then my back-up profession was shark handler because of Thomas Jane’s character, Carter. I thought he was the baddest motherfucker around. The cold opening is set-up to show the power and ferocity of the sharks, however, all it does it prove how much of a bad ass Carter is. Then when he takes the license plate out of the tiger shark, whooooo, I am all flustered now. I am considering a career change. 

Upon reviewing, I realised that all the characters in the movie hate each other. Everyone hates Saffron Burrows even though she is dead set keen to save millions of lives. Carter just sort of grunts and snarls at everyone, but that is why he is such a badass. Then everyone is super hostile towards Samuel L. Jackson even though he is keeping the entire operation afloat. The only person who likes anyone is the blonde girl. Like is too soft of a word though, more like LOVES everyone. When she is introducing everyone to Jackson she is “You met Saffron, I know you don’t like each other but we are BFF’s. Then there is Carter. He hates everyone but he is my other BFF. Then there is my boyfriend, Stellan Skarsgard. He hates me but I love him.” 

Another thing I noticed is that, SPOILER ALERT, essentially every death is avoidable. Stellan loses his arm because he thinks the shark is a cat and goes to pet it. Jackson makes his speech right next to the wet entry. Simply stepping three steps forward would have saved his life. That other guy, who looks familiar but I can’t remember where he is from, attracts the sharks by conducting a wetty warmer. The positive is that he distracted the sharks from Carter. Finally there is Saffron. She attempts, and succeeds, to attract the shark by cutting her hand so it will smell the blood. The method works but just dip your hand in the water, don’t jump in you stupid idiot. The only death that seems unavoidable is the blonde girl’s, however she is probably just trying to make friends with the shark but it misunderstands her.

I have a theory about this movie after re watching; it is part of the Planet of the Apes universe. Both this film and Rise of the Planet of the Apes look into Alzheimer’s research. So I believe that Stellan Skarsgard is John Lithgow from Rise’s brother, and hence James Franco’s uncle, and they are both working on the same project. The result ends up being the same, an ultra-intelligent animal running a muck. This made me think, which animal would I prefer to be the result of the botched research, the monkeys or the sharks. The obvious choice seems to be the monkeys because sharks are obviously much scarier. However, I believe the answer is the sharks. I mean with the sharks you simply just don’t go in the water. The monkeys can take over the land, which is much more frightening.

Overall: I could talk about this movie for hours. I still didn't mention how completely bonkers it is, that LL Cool J is in it, or how everyone needs to finish their drink because the title is mentioned in the film. God I love this movie, 4 Stars

Robocop

Robocop (2013)

Predicted Rating: Pile of Steaming Shit

Directed by: Jose Padilha. Starring: Gary Oldman, Michael Keaton, Joel Kinnaman, Samuel L. Jackson, Abbie Cornish.

A reboot of the 1987 classic sees policeman Alex Murphy (Kinnaman), who is living in a futuristic Detroit, tracking down a drug lord. After his cover is blown (yep that's right, it's a pun), he is mortally wounded. Meanwhile, OmniCorp chief Scientist, Dr Dennet Norton (Oldman), is working on a secret project that converts a person into a super-soldier. He chooses Murphy as the prototype and RoboCop is born.

BAH! TABLE FLIP! WHY DO REBOOTS ALWAYS HAVE TO RETELL THE ORIGIN STORY! I know how Robocop was made so don't spend three quarters of the goddamn movie telling me how Murphy became Robocop. If you don't know and start complaining about how you have no idea who he is, just read the damn Wikipedia page! I would love this movie if he became Robocop before the opening credits and just spent the rest of the movie just fucking shit up, killing bad guys and throwing other robots through windows. I don't care if there are no motives, just give Robocop a gun and see what happens. To justify the retelling of the origin, they slightly change it by giving him a concerned family. I don't even care they did this, just make it more realistic. Murphy goes back to visit his son but his son seems unemotional and unamused. Back when I was 10 and if this happened I would be fuck yeah my dad is fucking Robocop, this is the greatest day of my life.

My gripes don't end there. Where the hell is the damn blood. The two best scenes in the original are when he shoots the rapist in the dick and the ED-209 malfunctions causing a large amount of blood to be sprayed around the room, USING REAL BLOOD SQUIBS! In order to drop the rating down in the US down from R to PG-13, they remove all the violence. This is so they can make some more money from the lucrative (really?!) teenage market. No, no, and no! Just make it super violent and make kids sneak in the old fashion way. Or do what the original did and make all its money by marketing toys to children. Then there are other things like changing Lewis to a black man from a white woman. How am I supposed to ridicule Lewis' incompetence now! Finally the chemistry between Kinnaman and Cornish is downright awful. When it comes to the not-so-sex scene they have a look on their faces like oh damn we have to have sex... again.

Despite all my complaints this is not a bad action film. It is beautifully shot, the plot is solid and the characters are fantastic. IT JUST SHOULDN'T BE CALLED ROBOCOP!

Final Rating: Just dreaming of the original. 3 Stars

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGemfKLV1JA

  

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

Directed by: Christopher B. Landon. Starring: A bunch of interchangeable teenagers

In a spin-off (or is it?) to the Paranormal Activity franchise, The Marked Ones follows Jesse just after he graduates high school. After his mysterious neighbour, Anna, is murdered, strange happenings begin in the apartment building. Along with his friends Arturo and Marisol, Jesse investigates the murder of Anna with devastating consequences.

It is common knowledge by now that I love the Paranormal Activity series. So much so, that my love for the franchise sways my opinion that these reviews become unprofessional and extremely biased. As a result, I have decided to create my own Paranormal Activity rating scale called the brown pants scale. It is based on how scary the film is, i.e. how many times I have to change my pants because they have been unfortunately stained brown. Paranormal Activity 1 definitely earns 5 brown pants out of 5, one of my favourite movies ever and it scared the shit out of me. Part 2 is probably the weakest of the series, and hence only earns one brown pant. 3 steps it up with a well orchestrated prequal, earning 4 pants. They are starting to run out of ideas in part 4 but I loved using the x-box kinect motion sensor and the ending is one of my all time favourites, hence earning it 2.5 pants. The Marked Ones continues the standard Paranormal Activity formula but this time tries to step it up with even more violence and jump scares. However, there are not enough original ideas and it feels like a Hollywood movie, rather than a genuine home movie as part 1 does. Hence, The Marked Ones earns 2 pants

This is the first Paranormal Activity film that really tries to dive into the world of humour, however it fails miserably. Instead of being funny, it turns out to be very, very racist. All the character in the film are Hispanic and there are so many Hispanic stereotypes you don't know where to look. They clearly live in the poor part of town, they have names like Oscar, Hector and Cesar, they eat tortillas, their dog is a Chihuahua, and they have a tequila drinking contest. You kind of want to laugh but you know it is clearly racially insensitive.

I am still not sold on the whole watching Paranormal Activity film in the movies thing. I am not sure whether it is the type of people the film attracts or it is the film itself but people need to learn to SHUT THE FUCK UP. It is obvious that a lot of people get scared during these films and to reassure themselves and to hide the fact from their friends, they laugh when they shouldn't or just keep talking. On one hand it is funny to listen to people and be amused by how scared they are, but on the other hand I would love to just sit back and watch the movie in peace. It is my dream one day to watch a Paranormal Activity film alone in the cinema so I can fully engross myself in the experience.

Overall: Starting to run out of original ideas but still a decent amount of scares involved