Bait 3D

Bait 3D (2012)

Predicted Rating: Troll Cave

Directed by: Kimble Rendall (Tho Hoodoo Gurus). Starring: Julian McMahon (Fantastic Four), Martin Sacks (Blue Heelers), Xavier Samuel (Newcastle), Pheobe Tonkin (Tomorrow, When the War Began) and Lincoln Lewis (Home and Away).

A year after losing his best mate to a shark attack, Josh (Samuel) is working as a supermarket clerk when he runs into his ex-girlfriend (the walking rib-cage Sharni Vinson, who by the way I had no idea was 29). The supermarket is held up by Doyle (McMahon), which results in the death of a store worker. Then out of the blue a freak tsunami hit, completely engulfing the Gold Coast. The story then follows two groups of survivors, those who are trapped in the store and those who are trapped in the car park, both of which are being stalked by a Great White Shark.

There are two types of bad movies, those who are unbelievably bad that they become funny and entertaining  and those that are just plain bad they are tortuous. A good comparison to make to back-up the previous statement is Piranha 3D vs. Shark Night 3D. Piranha was a brilliant movie because even though the plot, acting etc. were terrible, at not one stage did it take itself seriously making it fun to watch. The opposite to that is Shark Night, even with Sara Paxton trying to hold the fort, it didn't hit the mark because it tried too hard. Unfortunately Bait 3D falls into the latter category. All it really did was take itself too seriously. The premise was there to make one of those "so bad that they are good" movies but it failed to hit the mark. There were so many opportunities to make cheesy one-liners. The ball was put on the tee to hit but it ended up like that one fat kid you had in your team that no matter how much he swung he didn't hit the ball. They didn't even say the title in the entire film. It would have been perfect, I am going to use myself as... pause for dramatic effect... Bait! Poor form.

At no time did I really care if any of the characters died or survived. You always enjoy a horror movie more if you pick someone that you would be devastated if they are killed and then a few characters where you wouldn't care, you might even be happy. Most of the time it is the attractive final girl for me who I would be in tears if they were killed off, whether it was Sara Paxton in Shark Night, Danielle Panabaker in Friday the 13th or Hayden Panettiere in Scream 4. In Bait I really didn't care about anyone. The person I probably rooted for the most was the guy in the car park downstairs. He was supposed to be the outcast of the group but in the end he had a smoking hot girlfriend. Pheobe Tonkin is attractive but she didn't play that character. Lincoln Lewis didn't cop any shit from his missus. Dr Doom tried to FSU. The guy from Singapore was heroic because he didn't rack a disciprine. In the end none of them were very relatable to me. Martin Sacks probably plays the strongest character but all I could think of the whole time was GET YOUR FUCKING FEET OUT OF THE WATER SACKSY! Oh and that's another thing, I have sworn more times in this review than the entire movie. Usually I would love that but you need it here. You don't see a shark coming towards you and say golly gosh I am about to be eaten.

In the end the trailer is much more exciting than the movie itself. It builds up so much tension, at first it looks like a romance looking at the broken relationship between Josh and Skeletor, I mean Tina. Then it turns into an action after the store is held up. Then another shocking twist occurs when a freak tsunami hits making it a survival final. Just when you think you had the genre nailed on the head, a not-so-massive shark wreaks having finally settling on a survival horror. I was so disappointed when I sat down because I was suspecting to relive this roller coaster ride on the big screen but it is revealed to be a shark movie at the start. The tragedy at the start needed to happen to build up the story but he didn't need to be attacked by a shark. You thought it could play a major part later on but it didn't eventuate. He could have been run over by a car or mauled by a donkey for all I care.

There are so many technical inaccuracies here that could of saved me from the torture that is Bait 3D.
Since when was there a major fault line off the coast of Queensland. I could of forgiven them if it took a significant amount of time for the tsunami to arrive after the quake but it was there in a matter of seconds. Also, aren't there shark nets on the gold coast? I realise they probably would have been destroyed by the wave but if the writers realised this we could have been saved from that god awful opening scene. I am going to apologise to all my Asian friends but you just don't see an Asian bloke with a white girlfriend, it just doesn't happen. You see it the other way round all of the time but this way I have seen it maybe 4 times, one of those was here. I also thought Australia was a world leader in special effects. They are rubbish here, I could have drawn better sharks using a blue biro when I was intoxicated. Finally, everyone who was killed in Bait 3D could have been saved through some proper risk identification techniques. Everything they did was extraordinarily dangerous and riddled with mistakes that could have been prevented. At one stage I was applauding one guy for wearing sufficient PPE when he makes a shark suit but then his bloody snorkel is too short. For all my Orica friends, the benefits of a Take 5 can be proven through this movie.

In summary, this movie was absolutely terrible. It wasn't even fun bad, it was just plain bad. Also when are people going to stop making shark movies. There is no way in hell any shark movie will be able to top Jaws so stop trying. Deep Blue Sea came the closest and I doubt you could even make a shark movie better than that. I know you can play on the fear of humans being out of their element in the water but try some other animal. One of the writers, Russell Malcahy, made a movie called Razorback about a rampant wild pig, how cool is that. Why not try something like being attacked by badgers and/or mongeese.

Overall Rating: 0.5 Stars. I was tempted to give it 0 but it was slightly better than Bridesmaids and the Devil Inside so I had to give it half a star so it wasn't in the same category.

Next Week: I was hoping to see Looper because I heard it was pretty good but I will be away all weekend so I may have to watch Taken 2 the week after. I will also be away for two weeks after that so I will miss out on Paranormal Activity 4, disaster!

WMR Classics: Horror Movie Weekend

Alright lets set the scene. It is a Saturday afternoon, I have finished all my housework, most people are out of town and there is a huge storm outside and it is forecaste for the entire weekend. What shall I do? I know, watch a horror movie. Well this ended up turning into four movies, but they were four phenomenal horror movies that I couldn't believe I hadn't seen before. These were, in order, Suspiria, Braindead, Jacob's Ladder and An American Werewolf in London. I will give a quick review of each but I will put this out there now, I recommend everyone should watch each of these movies if they have the chance.

Suspiria (1977)
Directed by Dario Argento. Starring: Jessica Harper, Stefania Casini.

This phsycological thriller tells the tale of a girl who moves from the states to Germany to join an elite dance academy. She is immediately met with some mysterious happenings, which begin to become more frequent. She then discovers that the dance troupe is run by a coven of witches and must escape before she is killed.

The scares in this movie are actually few and far in between but when they do come, boy do you know about it. The film relies on the long periods of suspense that build up to a few scenes that are designed to shock. An example of this is when the house is over run by maggots. It really plays no part in the over arching story but it really comes out of no where and it is as shocking as a scene involving maggots can be. It also does what many horror movie of the time aim to do, absolutely shock during the death scenes. You usually see the end for the characters coming, but how they happen is a huge surprise, mostly through the use of clever camera angles and a great soundtrack.

The suspense of the movie is enhanced through some stunning visuals. A lot of movies, especially horrors, around this time are grainy and lifeless but this one is just pretty. It uses the technicolour film (the last of which was made using the RYB technique similar to that in the Wizard of Oz) to the best effect and the dance academy is just spectacular.

You can tell that this movie is a European film as the English is slightly broken but other than that it is nothing short of spectacular. A horror classic. 5 Stars, possible Top 100 ever.

Braindead (1992)
Directed by Peter Jackson. Starring: Timothy Balme, Diana Peñalver.

After Lionel's (Balme) mother is bitten by a Sumatran Rat-Monkey after interupting him on a date with local shop keep Paquita (Penalver), she is turned into a mutant zombie. Lionel, still in denial over his mother's sort of not death, he keeps her locked in her basement along with three others she has infected. Mayhem ensues after they are let out during a party.

Three words spring to mind when watching this movie, stupid, gory and fun. This movie is classic Peter Jackson. Before he went mainstream with the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Jackson was the master of black comedy. With classics like Bad Taste and Meet the Feebeles, his creative genius was allowed to flow creating these movies that on the surface seem unbelievably stupid but when you dig down they are comedic masterpieces. I think Braindead is the best of these. It has so many moments that make you say really, like when a priest sweep kicks someones legs off, then you are left laughing your head off.

The second word I would use to describe this movie is gory. There is absolutely no shortage of fake blood in this movie. I though Kill Bill had the fountain blood down pact but this is something else. All I am going to say, the crescendo of the fight scene involves a lawn mower, best zombie destroyer ever.

Finally, this movie is just awesome fun. I had a smile on my face the entire time. Even things I usually find annoying in movies, such as the addition of an intentionally irritating character, in the form of the zombie baby, is done to perfection. Watch this movie! 5 Stars  

Jacob's Ladder (1990)
Directed by Adrian Lyne. Starring: Tim Robbins, Elizibeth Pena.

Jacob Singer (Robbins) is an ex-Vietnam vet who is haunted by his past in the war as well as his divorce and the death of his youngest son (an uncredited cameo by McCaulay Calkin). He begins to lose his sanity but then must realise what reality actually is.

As far as my watchings of the weekend, this is probably the weakest film of the four. Not to say that this is a bad movie, it is fantastic, it just seemed to lack something the other movies had. It didn't have the thrills of Suspiria, the comedy of Braindead and the underlying themes in An American Werewolf in London. It is that extra element that usually makes a horror movie special. Jacob's Ladder is probably more of a thriller in that sense. It attempts to play on the raw emotions of the viewer to achieve it shocks rather than having people brutally murdered or things jump out in your face. In that sense, this movie does it almost to perfection. It is very well paced with the "wow" moments thrown in at just the right time. The performance by Tim Robbins is also quite believable and really adds to the experience.

A very good movie that was really overshadowed by the others I watched over the weekend. 4 Stars

An American Werewolf In London (1981)
Directed by John Landis. Starring: David Naughton, Jenny Agutter

Two Americans are hiking through the British moors when they are attacked by a werewolf, killing one and wounding the other. The wounded party, David Kessler (Naughton), falls for his British nurse (Agutter) and must juggle becoming a werewolf with his new love.

This is not your normal slasher horror in the traditional sense. It relies more on realising the fact that this could happen to anyone rather than relying on blood and gore. It also builds on the relationship between the two main characters much more than any other horror I have seen.

It takes a while to really appreciate this movie for what it really is. After watching it I really wasn't blown away by it but after thinking about it for a couple of days it really grew on me. The ending was something that at first disappointed me but then pleased me. It was both tragic and necessary at the same time. It is often imitated but never replicated.

A horror movie staple that is perfect for beginners to the genre. 4.5 Stars

Overall this was a very good weekend of movie watching. Suspiria was probably the best movie here but I am going to say that Braindead is the pick of the bunch. It never took itself seriously and was just good fun to watch.

I am going to do some classic movie reviews more often, so if anyone has any suggestions let me know. Next time I will have a look at Troll 2.

The Watch

The Watch (2012)

Predicted Rating: 2.5 Stars

Directed by: Akiva Schaffer (Hot Rod). Starring: Ben Stiller (Zoolander), Vince Vaughn (Old School), Jonah Hill (Superbad) and Richard Ayoade (The IT Crowd)

Traumatised by the death of his beloved security guard of the Costco he manages, Evan (Stiller), starts a neighbourhood watch group to try and catch the killer. He enlists the help of family man Bob (Vaughn), recent divorcee Jamarcus (Ayoade), and high school/police academy dropout Franklin (Hill). Things take a turn for the worse when the group discovers that their quiet little town of Glenview, Ohio is the epicentre for a imminent alien invasion. It is now up to this unlikely team to save humanity from destruction.

It has been a while since I have watched a new comedy movie. The last one was Ted a few months ago, which was surprisingly good (Snow White was a joke but I wouldn't call it a comedy). As a result I was really looking forward to chilling back and laughing my head off. Unfortunately I was bitterly let down. The best modern comedies tend to follow a solid formula. The first half hour or so is filled with one-liners and shear stupidity that has you on the floor in hysterics perfectly setting up for the overall story for the rest of the movie. The Watch had the potential to do exactly this but failed to do so. There were stages where it threatened to break open with a flourish of one-liners but it failed to deliver. At some points I was making up my own jokes that I thought would fit well but just never came. It tried to be funny by repeating the F word, which is just a childish way to get some cheap laughs. Jonah Hill started to try about half way through the movie but it was too little too late and his influence was almost stifled.

To go with the short-falls in making a good comedy film, there is also a huge waste of talent here. It really wasn't well directed, which is a surprise as Akiva Schaffer is a pivotal member of one of my favourite comedy trio's, The Lonely Island. The acting talent was also not very well utilised. The four main guys feature in some of my favourite movies/ tv shows, with Stiller in Zoolander, Vaughn in Old School, Hill in Superbad and Ayoade in the IT Crowd but none of them are given a creative licence to show off what they can give. Stiller and Vaughn just appear awkward and lack chemistry. Ayoade, to tell you the truth, seems like he has never acted before. I know this may have been intentional but it didn't work. Hill was by far the best of the four but it was no where near his best performance. However, the most disappointing part of the film was the script. It was penned by Evan Goldberg and Seth Rogen who wrote Superbad, which is my all time favourite script. It is so simple but so relatable and unique. The Watch was very cliche' and just really never took off. On paper it was a good idea, but it just never took off.

There were a few things I did like but I really had to scrape the bottom of the barrel. There were a couple of references to Predator and Close Encounters of the Third Kind. However, both references came within 30 seconds of each other. It took me a while to think of another thing I liked but all I could think of was Vince Vaughn's John Mellencamp shirt. Yes it really was that boring. On and around this topic, one thing that was unbelievably annoying was the product placement. If you played a drinking game where you took a drink every time Costco was mentioned, you would bee absolutely hammered by the end.

Overall a very disappointing attempt. In my opinion stay home and watch a decent comedy like Superbad or Monty Python and save the time and effort.

1.5 Stars

Next Week: Taking a "mental health" day on Thursday so I can see what could be both the best and worst movie of the year, Bait 3D.



but much more funny

The Expendables 2

The Expendables 2 (2012)

Predicted Rating: Who the hell knows

Directed by: Simon West. Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Dolph Lundgren, Liam Hemsworth, Yu Nan, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Charisma Carpenter, Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Well this is one movie where the plot does not matter at all but I will go through it anyway. After rescuing Trench (Arnie), the crack team known as the Expendables (Stallone, Statham, Li, Crews, Couture, Lundgren and Hemsworth) are sent on a mission by Church (Willis) to retrieve some unknown information from a crashed aeroplane. With the help of technical expert Maggie Chan (Nan), the team retrieves the information but are immediately jumped by mercenaries known as the Sangs lead by Jean Vilain (Van Damme). Vilain murders Barney Ross' (Stallone) protege', Billy the Kid (Hemsworth) to obtain what the Expendables were sent in to get. With the help of a few friends, Ross and his team move into eliminate the Sangs before they destroy everything.

This movie aims to do one thing, and one thing only, be fun and I can telly you what, this movie is an absolute blast. I went in really not expecting much. The first one really didn't live up to it's hype as a collection of action stars kicking arse. In the end it was really just Jason Statham and Charisma Carpenter arguing all the time. Whether this was to try and show the more human side in an attempt to expand it's target audience, who knows. All that sort of stuff is thrown out of the window in the sequel. It ends up being a balls out action flick. They even try to expel any sniff of targeting the female audience by knocking off Hemsworth towards the start of the movie. This really is one for the blokes.

My favourite part of the movie really was the stupidly obvious cameos that are thrown in. The first of these was right at the start of the movie. Anticipation rose and rose as an ample bodied man sat tied to a chair with his head covered by a burlap sack. Who could it be? Van Damme? Willis? Santa? No it is the one and only Arnie. Pfft did he really need all that help to get him out of there. I highly doubt it but the rescue tactics employed by Stallone and his crew were a hoot. Then comes Willis. Immediately after rescuing Arnie they meet up with the bald headed, potato chinned master. In his typically raspy voice he barks orders that no man would turn down. Finally they save the best to last. The scene is set, the crew is trapped in an old abandoned replicate city in the Siberian tundra. They are surrounded by enemies when they all run out of ammunition (a first for an action movie). One bullet remains in Stallone's gun, so in a hasty decision, he almost suicidally runs out to take one last man out. All of a sudden, in a flash, all of the enemies, maybe 30 of them, all fall down in a heap. The Expendables are struck with confusion, what the hell just happened? Then through the smoke appears a god-like figure. That's right, Chuck Norris. At this moment the cinema erupted into a rousing applause to the extent that our lives had been save. It was followed by immense laughter after they even threw in a Chuck Norris joke. The cameo was really just handed to us on a plate with a big name tag attached to it but it worked so well.

After the movie, many discussions were had over who we wanted to be in the next movie. After looking at the wikipedia article (so who knows how true this is). There is the potential to have Nic Cage, Wesley Snipes, Steven Seagal and Clint Eastwood in the next one. Clint Eastwood and Steven Seagal would make sense, they make the number of face-lifts quota. The following people would be on my list to include in the next instalment:

• Bruce Campbell (The Evil Dead Series): The human chin with his boomstick and chainsaw for his hand would be perfect
• Christopher Walken (Every movie ever made): Do I need to say more
• Rick Moranis (Ghostbusters): It would look hilarious him standing next to Terry Crews.
• Kate Beckinsale (Underworld): It would make sense to include a female action star in the net sequel and there are none better, hot hot hot!

Now technically speaking, this is an absolutely terrible movie. The acting is awful, there is little to no plot and the character development is as scarce as water on Mars. However, this movie does not care about any of the previous elements and was made to entertain and entertain it does.

Overall Rating: One for the boys 3.5 Stars

Next Week: The Watch