Predicted Rating: Troll Cave
Directed by: Kimble Rendall (Tho Hoodoo Gurus). Starring: Julian McMahon (Fantastic Four), Martin Sacks (Blue Heelers), Xavier Samuel (Newcastle), Pheobe Tonkin (Tomorrow, When the War Began) and Lincoln Lewis (Home and Away).
A year after losing his best mate to a shark attack, Josh (Samuel) is working as a supermarket clerk when he runs into his ex-girlfriend (the walking rib-cage Sharni Vinson, who by the way I had no idea was 29). The supermarket is held up by Doyle (McMahon), which results in the death of a store worker. Then out of the blue a freak tsunami hit, completely engulfing the Gold Coast. The story then follows two groups of survivors, those who are trapped in the store and those who are trapped in the car park, both of which are being stalked by a Great White Shark.
There are two types of bad movies, those who are unbelievably bad that they become funny and entertaining and those that are just plain bad they are tortuous. A good comparison to make to back-up the previous statement is Piranha 3D vs. Shark Night 3D. Piranha was a brilliant movie because even though the plot, acting etc. were terrible, at not one stage did it take itself seriously making it fun to watch. The opposite to that is Shark Night, even with Sara Paxton trying to hold the fort, it didn't hit the mark because it tried too hard. Unfortunately Bait 3D falls into the latter category. All it really did was take itself too seriously. The premise was there to make one of those "so bad that they are good" movies but it failed to hit the mark. There were so many opportunities to make cheesy one-liners. The ball was put on the tee to hit but it ended up like that one fat kid you had in your team that no matter how much he swung he didn't hit the ball. They didn't even say the title in the entire film. It would have been perfect, I am going to use myself as... pause for dramatic effect... Bait! Poor form.
At no time did I really care if any of the characters died or survived. You always enjoy a horror movie more if you pick someone that you would be devastated if they are killed and then a few characters where you wouldn't care, you might even be happy. Most of the time it is the attractive final girl for me who I would be in tears if they were killed off, whether it was Sara Paxton in Shark Night, Danielle Panabaker in Friday the 13th or Hayden Panettiere in Scream 4. In Bait I really didn't care about anyone. The person I probably rooted for the most was the guy in the car park downstairs. He was supposed to be the outcast of the group but in the end he had a smoking hot girlfriend. Pheobe Tonkin is attractive but she didn't play that character. Lincoln Lewis didn't cop any shit from his missus. Dr Doom tried to FSU. The guy from Singapore was heroic because he didn't rack a disciprine. In the end none of them were very relatable to me. Martin Sacks probably plays the strongest character but all I could think of the whole time was GET YOUR FUCKING FEET OUT OF THE WATER SACKSY! Oh and that's another thing, I have sworn more times in this review than the entire movie. Usually I would love that but you need it here. You don't see a shark coming towards you and say golly gosh I am about to be eaten.
In the end the trailer is much more exciting than the movie itself. It builds up so much tension, at first it looks like a romance looking at the broken relationship between Josh and Skeletor, I mean Tina. Then it turns into an action after the store is held up. Then another shocking twist occurs when a freak tsunami hits making it a survival final. Just when you think you had the genre nailed on the head, a not-so-massive shark wreaks having finally settling on a survival horror. I was so disappointed when I sat down because I was suspecting to relive this roller coaster ride on the big screen but it is revealed to be a shark movie at the start. The tragedy at the start needed to happen to build up the story but he didn't need to be attacked by a shark. You thought it could play a major part later on but it didn't eventuate. He could have been run over by a car or mauled by a donkey for all I care.
There are so many technical inaccuracies here that could of saved me from the torture that is Bait 3D.
Since when was there a major fault line off the coast of Queensland. I could of forgiven them if it took a significant amount of time for the tsunami to arrive after the quake but it was there in a matter of seconds. Also, aren't there shark nets on the gold coast? I realise they probably would have been destroyed by the wave but if the writers realised this we could have been saved from that god awful opening scene. I am going to apologise to all my Asian friends but you just don't see an Asian bloke with a white girlfriend, it just doesn't happen. You see it the other way round all of the time but this way I have seen it maybe 4 times, one of those was here. I also thought Australia was a world leader in special effects. They are rubbish here, I could have drawn better sharks using a blue biro when I was intoxicated. Finally, everyone who was killed in Bait 3D could have been saved through some proper risk identification techniques. Everything they did was extraordinarily dangerous and riddled with mistakes that could have been prevented. At one stage I was applauding one guy for wearing sufficient PPE when he makes a shark suit but then his bloody snorkel is too short. For all my Orica friends, the benefits of a Take 5 can be proven through this movie.
In summary, this movie was absolutely terrible. It wasn't even fun bad, it was just plain bad. Also when are people going to stop making shark movies. There is no way in hell any shark movie will be able to top Jaws so stop trying. Deep Blue Sea came the closest and I doubt you could even make a shark movie better than that. I know you can play on the fear of humans being out of their element in the water but try some other animal. One of the writers, Russell Malcahy, made a movie called Razorback about a rampant wild pig, how cool is that. Why not try something like being attacked by badgers and/or mongeese.
Overall Rating: 0.5 Stars. I was tempted to give it 0 but it was slightly better than Bridesmaids and the Devil Inside so I had to give it half a star so it wasn't in the same category.
Next Week: I was hoping to see Looper because I heard it was pretty good but I will be away all weekend so I may have to watch Taken 2 the week after. I will also be away for two weeks after that so I will miss out on Paranormal Activity 4, disaster!
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